When I walked in the girls' bedroom this morning, I stepped on something wet.  I grumbled under my breath about them spilling yet another sippy cup of juice or maybe they were having another one of their "not-so-imaginary" tea parties that involves mutliple vessels being filled and refilled and refilled from the kitchen sink.  It wasn't until Steve walked across the floor and said, "This is way too much water for any kind of spill" that I started to feel anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  He walked across their floor and as I did, I heard the swhooshy, swhooshy sound that only comes from water, lots and  lots of water.  Water that comes from underneath the carpet, not water that is spilled  on top of it.  The carpet in their room made that sound one time before - in the late, late summer of 2004, after Hurricane Ivan struck our town early on a September morning.  That sound is not a good way to start your Sunday morning.  Trust me.  We went and looked in the girls' closet and saw standing water.  This is not gonna be a good day....

Steve says the water is coming from somewhere in the kitchen.  My anxiety starts to escalate.  Because, the girls' floor isn't that huge of a deal to me - it's still carpeted and we plan on redoing it with wood flooring at some point in the next couple of years.  The kitchen, though, now that's a bigger deal to me.  So, I walk in there and immediately realize that at least some of the water that leaked into the girls' room has leaked into the kitchen as well. 

I love, love, love the floor in my kitchen.  It is wood laminate flooring that we installed in the living room, the kitchen and the laundry almost three years ago.  It is the color of honey and when the morning sun streams through the bay windows in my kitchen, I feel warm and happy and well, sunshiney.  The problem with wood laminate flooring is that it's laminate, which means it's particle board, which means when it gets wet...well, let's just say bad things start to happen (Now, for full disclosure here, even if the floor was true hardwood, getting it wet wouldn't be a great idea either....so just because the laminate is less expensive I don't think means it's any more prone to death by water).  As I walked across the kitchen floor, I heard squishing (which sounded different than the swooshy sound in the girls' room, but equally - or maybe more so - disturbing).  Some of the boards were already starting to lift.  Two sure signs that there was water.

Steve quickly determined that the leak was coming from a dishwasher hose.  He told me the name of it, but I promptly forgot it, preferring to call it instead, the stinking stupid hose that messed up my mouse.  He fixed the leak with some kind of magic McGyver stuff and then came in the living room and asked if I would go ahead and get the girls ready for church.

Hello?  I looked at him like he was from mars.  Literally 30% of the rooms in our house have standing water in them.  Church?  That was the last thing on my mind.  He said, in his usually practical manner, "Well there's no point in sitting around here.  There's nothing we can do."

So, I put the girls in their blue velvet dresses, dug something out of the closet for me and went somewhat grudingly with my family to our 9:00 a.m. church service, feeling ridiculously sorry for myself and our run of plain old bad luck.  Where my grumpy attitude was quickly and abruptly put into place.

I dropped a crying Abigail off in the nursery (she LOVES church, I think she was just picking up on my stress from the morning) and then went to sit with Gracie and Steve in the gym that serves as our sanctuary.  Within minutes of sitting down, our pastor made a request of the congregation.  One of the teachers at Abigail's preschool (which is also our church) is pregnant, due with her little boy sometime in early March.  She is a sweet, kind woman and both Abigail and Gracie love her.  On Wednesday night, the father of her baby was murdered, shot during an armed robbery.  The thing is, I knew this already.  I found out on Thursday morning through the grapevine that is mothers of preschoolers.  And while I certainly hadn't forgotten about this devastating event, it certainly wasn't in the forefront of my mind this morning.  At least it wasn't until our pastor stood before our congregation and told people about it and after the collective gasp from my church family, he asked to use the pastor's discrectionary fund to help her and her soon-to-be-born son.  And I turned and looked at Steve, sitting with his arm around our oldest daughter, and suddenly the water in the kitchen and the water in the bedroom seemed like nothing more than water under the bridge.  I went from feeling sorry for myself to realizing how incredibly blessed I am in a matter of seconds.  It's all a matter of perspective.....

Oh, my baby girl makes us laugh.  Her antics send me into a puddle of giggles at least once a day.  Last night, we put her down to bed and about 20 minutes later went to check on her.  She had the lights on and was sitting in the corner, stuffing a backpack full of doll clothes, books and whatever other random stuff she could find at 9:00 p.m.  When Steve put her back in bed, she was crushed and sobbing.  She choked out "But, but, but, I NEED my backup."  and then fell promptly asleep.  Her fashion sense is ummmm, unique.  Let's just say she has the layering look developed to a fine art.  It's like Bag Lady Haute Couture.  Her prayers at the dinner table are heartfelt and hilarious.  "Thank you God for all the cousins in the world and for our fridgerator and all the things in my heart!"  But, the thing that sends both Steve & I over the edge is when she mixes up words, replacing words that she hears that are a bit out of her vocabulary range with words that sound like the misunderstood word, but make absolutely no sense.  When she does that, Steve & I usually resort to laughing so hard that we snort.  Do you snort when you laugh? No?  Well, we're snorters in this house...it's like when you giggle and laugh and chuckle all at the same time and there's so much laughter bubbling up inside of you that it can't all come out of your mouth...some just eruprts through your nose and since your nose doesn't exactly have vocal cords and can only make limited sounds, the nose laughter sounds like a snort.  Hey, do you remember that song about laughing from Mary Poppins.....I love to laugh, long and loud and clear...Some people laugh through their noses,Sounding something like this "Mmm...", Some people laugh through their teeth goodness sake, Hissing and fizzing like snakes.....I love that song (and the movie)

Anyway, Steve and Abigail went to run a few errands yesterday afternoon and when they got back, Steve was laughing so hard he was snorting.  I asked him what happened.  He said she was singing and messed the lyrics up  in a hysterical way. 

Let me give you a little bit of a background story (and it will help me fill in one of the gaps in my blogging from the fall). 

In November, the Children's Choir at our church performed for the first time.  Both of our girls were up there, pleased as punch to be singing their hearts out.  I thought Abigail might be a little nervous, but once she realized that her big sister was there with her, she sang and sang and sang.  Loudly!  The song had hand motions and she did those, too.  Emphatically!  I was so proud of both of them!  The whole choir did a wonderful job...I'm so excited to see them sing again at Easter.  The song that they sang is called Every Move I Make and the lyrics go like this:


Every move I make, I make in You
You make me move Jesus

Every breath I take, I breathe in You

Every step I take, I take in You

You are my way Jesus

Every breath I take, I breathe in You

Waves of mercy, waves of grace

Everywhere I look, I see your face

Your love has captured me

Oh my God, this love

How can it be?


Since November, Abigail has been known to break out in this song at the most random times.  She just loves to sing it.  Mostly, she just repeats the words, Waves of Mercy, waves of grace and the refrain part that goes "na, na, na, na na na, na na, na, na na na"  Yesterday, though, she sang more of the words and that was what had Steve laughing so hard.

Sitting in the back seat of Steve's car, she belted out, "Waves of mercy, waves of grace, Everywhere I look, I see your face, Your love has SCRAPED MY KNEE!  na, na, na, na na na!  na, na, na, na na na!"

When Steve told me what she'd done, I laughed with him and then I went and found my baby, gave her kiss, and told her that she fills our world with joy (and scraped knees!  )

Gracie has had a rough week at school.  Last Friday, she started crying before we left home, saying she didn't want to go.  She cried in car line at drop-off and wouldn't get out of the van.  I pulled into a parking space and convinced her to walk in and at least turn in her homework.  She did that but absolutely refused to stay.  Tears were just pouring down her cheeks.  She said she just wanted to stay with me and begged me to take her home.  It was pitiful.  We were leaving that afternoon to go to Louisiana for my father's memorial service, and I'd planned to check her out early anyway, so I just let her come home with me.  I probably should not have given in to her, but I can't stand for her to cry like that .

Steve took her to school on Monday; she was a bit reluctant to go but did get out of the car and walk in.  Tuesday, though, was a different story.  We had a rough morning and were all running late, so she was really upset before she and Steve even pulled out of the driveway.  Once she got to school, she wouldn't get out of the car.  So, Steve parked and walked her in.  She refused to stay in the classroom.  She was so upset that Steve had to bring her back home.  I sat down with her and explained that she didn't really have a choice - she had to go to school.  Luckily, I had a meeting that I HAD to go to that morning or I might have been a little more lenient with her (which I don't think would have been good for her).  After we talked for a few minutes, I convinced her to go and Abigail & I took her back to school and walked her in.  She clung to me for a few minutes, but finally her teacher came to the door and Gracie walked in, looking oh so little and sad.  My heart broke in a zillion pieces.  I wanted to scoop her up and run far far away.  I've entertained the idea of homeschooling her before, but that morning, I'd have gladly taken on that challenge.

On Wednesday, I instituted a few changes in our morning routine (no TV before school, a few minutes of talking time with Mommy before we get dressed, etc.) to see if it will help.  I've also given her the choice each morning to either go through car line or to have me walk her straight to her class.  So far, she's willingly gone to school each morning.  I hope that it continues, because I don't know if I can bear too many more days like Tuesday!

Yesterday, her class celebrated the 100th day of school.  I think Gracie totally enjoyed this.  They made the crowns that she's wearing in the top picture (which she pulled down to wear as non-functioning glasses ).  And they got to do a drawing of what they remembered about their first 100 days.  Here's Gracie's:




I asked her to explain all the drawings.  She said the first one was her first day of school when she got to play in the little kitchen and slide on the playground.  The middle one is going to art class and her giving me the candlestick she made me (this is a little bit of a creative memory, because she didn't actually give me the candlestick that she supposedly made for me at Christmas; she decided at the last minute to keep it for herself ).  And the final picture is when she rode on a school bus to go to the Children's hospital and deliver presents to the little patients.  There were no pictures of her sobbing because she missed me or didn't want to go to school, so apparently, this week doesn't seem to be hanging a dark cloud over her first year of school.  I think she really has enjoyed her first 100 days and I'm hopeful that she'll enjoy the rest of the year, too!

This week, our schedule is a little off.  Abigail normally goes to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Thursday we have mom's bible study, so Tuesday is the only day that we spend just the two of us.  This week, though, I had a morning meeting downtown on Tuesday, so Abigail went to preschool on Monday and Tuesday (I just LOVE her preschool and appreciate that on the rare occasion that I need to move her to another day, they are more than willing to work with me).  So, Wednesday became our day together.  And Wednesday was an extra special day.  We got to pick up Abigail's best friend, Addi, from preschool and have a very fun, very messy cookie-decorating play date.

Abigail and I made up the dough shortly after Gracie went to school and stuck it in the freezer to chill.  Then, just before we left to pick up Addi, we cut the cookies out with several different heart-shaped cookie cutters.  Abigail had an absolute blast with the dough and the cookie cutting.  She doesn't often get to do things like with without her big sister's "help", so this was a special treat for her.

I used my mom's sugar cookie recipe for the cookies and decided to make up some of Our Best Bites' glace frosting recipe to decorate them.  I left most of it white, but tinted some pink and put it in two decorating bottles for the little girls to use.  Just before we left, I put out the cookies, the frosting, and a new bottle of sprinkles.  It was one of those big bottles that Wilton puts out for every holiday...the kind that is actually 5 or 6 little bottles of sprinkles in one little bottle.  I thought they might enjoy sprinkling a little on their cookies.  Ummmm, yeah.....toddlers and sprinkles.  Of course, they'd only use a little.  yeah, that sounds right.


When we brought Addi back, they were both so excited to "paint" cookies. Let m tell about Addi.  She and Abigail are best friends for a good reason....they share a lot of the same personality traits.  They're both very, very vocal and both of them are spirited little girls who like to do things the way they want to do them.  I think spitfires would be a good way to describe the two of them.  I love watching them play togther! 

Anyway, they saw the cookies and the frosting and we so excited.  I took the picture to the right just as they started to decorate.  You can see how clean the plate is and how full the sprinkle bottle is.

Of course, the mess factor quickly escalated from this point.  It wasn't long before sprinkles were coming out of the container like water through a sieve.  The cookies they were decorated began to look like they would break from the weight of all the colored sugar on them.    But, you've never seen two little girls giggle more!

Addi and Abigail have been friends for almost two years now and it's been funny to watch the way they play together change.  When they first met, they weren't even two years old and they spent much of their time playing beside each other instead of with each other.  Then, they went through a stage where they mostly fought when they played.  Now, they're doing great together, sharing more
often than they're fighting and trying to work things out with each other by talking.  I heard Abigail say yesterday, "Addi, let's just play nice together today, okay!  Then, we'll have fun!"  and later, Addi said, "Abigail, you're 'posed to share.  Miss Sharon (their teacher) says we're 'posed to share!"  Oh, they make me giggle these girls.  After about twenty minutes, they had gone through the entire bucket of sprinkles and between the three of us, we'd decorated about a dozen cookies.  And the plates and the table looked more like this:  (Notice the empty bottle of sprinkles


After they finished the cookies, they wanted to eat some strawberries.  Yeah, there were a 1/2  dozen frosted cookies within arm's reach,
but they wanted strawberries.





After that, we went outside and as Abigail says, "played and played and played"  It was such a fun play date!  It feels good to get back into doing things like this.  It's been a bit crazy the last few months, and while the girls have both had play dates, it's been a while since they've had one where I actually put together a cool activity for them to do with their friends.  So, really, this playdate was a fun for me as it was for Abigail and Addi!  I'll leave you with a few more pictures from the day....

Saturday was my father's memorial service.  It was, simply put, beautiful.  My sister, my mother, my brother, my sister-in-law, Steve and my three oldest nieces as well as two people that worked with my father all spoke.  At some point,  I want to write down a bit of what everyone said, because a lot of wonderful things were said.  I think that my father would have been very proud.

As I was going through the pictures from the weekend, I realized that there were a lot of smiles and laughter, even in the middle of a sad occasion.  I think my father would have wanted that way.

Here's a collage of some of the pictures that I took before and after the service.

You know what?  I can distinctly remember the first time I read Great Expectations.  I was in high school and somehow the copy of the book that I got from school was very old and musty and I think probably a little bit moldy.  (I guess they didn't care about posioning public school kids when I was in school).  Now, you might think that that is a bit of a gross thing...a moldy book.  But, in this case, I think it added to my reading experience.  Now, even twenty-some years later, when I think about Great Expecations, and particularly Miss Havisham, I can instantly smell the mustiness of that book.  That seems appropriate, don't you think?

Okay, I'm done with that walk down memory lane....this post has nothing to do with Dickens or Miss Havisham or even moldy books.  No, this post is about my little kindergartener and more specifically her mommy who has serious, serious control issues.

Gracie is smart.  I don't really think anyone would dispute that issue.  And I don't say that with any kind of bloated pride.  It's just a simple fact...like the fact that she has green eyes or brown hair or a horrible temper.  She didn't do anything to aquire any of those traits...she was just born that way. 

Gracie started reading right at a year ago, just after her fifth birthday.  She is a great reader - her voabulary and her inborn sense of drama allow her to really get into the characters of the books that she's reading.  She's very animated when she reads and uses the proper inflection when she reaches a question mark or an exclamation point.  And she seems to have really good comprehension, too. 

Here's the thing, though.....Gracie has no initiative.  And by no, I mean none, zilch, nada.  She would be perfectly happy never to pick up a book again and read it.  She was the third kid in her class to get on the Wall of Fame (a board in the school hallway that you can have your picture put on when you've read twenty books and passed tests on them).  She could care less.  I don't think it would have bothered her one bit if she'd never made it to the wall.  Nor would it have mattered to her if she'd been the first one on the wall.  She's the same with her homework, with math, with just about everything.  She's not exactly what I'd call goal-oriented.  If there was something called goal-disoriented, that's what she'd be.

And, here's the rub with that.  I am extremely competitve goal-oriented.  I want to be the first to do something; I want to be the best; in kindergarten, I would have stayed up all night reading so I could have been the first kid on the Wall of Fame.  Heck, I'd have wanted to been not only the first one on the wall, but the kid who got on it faster than anyone in the history of kindergarten.  I think my competitiveness has mellowed some as I've gotten older.  I no longer feel the need to be the best or the brightest or the fastest.  But, I still, at least most of the time, want to do my personal best.   Which is where I run into trouble with Gracie.  Many times, I sit down to read with her at night and I feel my blood pressure shooting through the roof and I find myself wanting to hurl the book we're reading at the nearest wall.  It frustrates me to no end when I sit with her and she mumbles along with her reading, intentionally not doing her best.  It frustrates me beyond end because I KNOW that she is capable of flying through her reading with the greatest of ease.  But, she won't.  For whatever reason, she just won't try.  And I swear, sometimes, I want to strangle her.

But here's the thing:  in reality, this is MY PROBLEM, NOT hers!   I am the one with the great expectations.  I am the one who thinks because she is smart, she should breeze through her work.  I can't shake that feeling of "to whom much is given, much is expected"  But, I think I need to turn that saying around on myself.  Because I have been given much.  I have been blessed with a darling daughter, with a personality and a spirit that is amazying.  I should be expected to be patient with her and nurture her.  I should be expected to love her unconditionally and guide her down the path of life, even if her path is different from the one I think she should take.  I need to take my own expectations and leave them at the door.  I need to simply love her for who she is, even if (and maybe especially if) she isn't like me.

I'm proud of the child that she is....and I'm proud to be her mommy.  
 

Ummm....let's just say that this week isn't going to win my vote for favorite week of 2010.  It's not going to even make it into the nomination process.  And don't think it's one of those gem of a weeks that gets overlooked in the nomination process and that there will be a bunch of 4th week of January, 2010 lovers out there lamenting the fact that this week wasn't nominated.  Because, folks, overall, this week stinks.

Because I'm weird like I am, I'm saying this week started last Friday.  I don't know why - I can't think of any calendar where the week starts on Friday.  Let's just say that on the calendar according to Daphne, the week starts on Friday.  But, only for this week.  Normally, I align with the rest of this country about the first day of the week.  Which is to say, I have no idea whether the first day of the week is Sunday or Monday . 





Friday was Gracie's birthday and the start of the day was really wonderful.  Abigail went to school and I drove downtown to pick up the little cakes that my big girl had requested for her classmates.  Since she was a little bitty thing, Grace has had a fondness for the petit fours from a local bakery.  My personal preference and Gracie's too, would have been to make homemade cupcakes and take in to her friends.  But because of some fear that homemade food might posion children in public school, we aren't allowed to bring in anything homemade .  I am not a big fan of cupcakes from Walmart or the grocery store.  They're too big, too expensive, and well, they just taste yuck to me.  So, I asked Gracie if she wanted me to get "little cakes" from Jay's Bakery for her school party.  She readily agreed.  I had no trouble picking them up (unlike the time at Walmart where I'd ordered a cake and went to pick it up and they looked at me like I was from the Planet Idiot...are you sensing a theme here?) and even had time to swing by and pick up a bagel from my favorite bagel shop, make a quick run in Target, and field a few questions on a conference call.  The sun was shining and I remember thinking, "Wow!  I really love my life right now!"  (and even though it's been a rough week, I still feel that way).  I met Gracie at school and had lunch with her in the cafeteria.  She'd asked me earlier in the week if I'd come eat with her and she was so cute when I got there, jumping up out of her seat and running toward me.  I'm sure I don't have too many more years of the highlight of her birthday being her mama coming to have lunch with here, so I'm taking advantage of it whenever I can!  Here's a couple of pictures I took of her in the cafeteria and back in her classroom.

everything on the page is from the January BYOC at The-Lilypad

It was Friday night that everything started to go downhill.  I cooked Gracie her birthday dinner and my grandparents came down to celebrate with us.  About halfway through dinner, Gracie said she didn't feel well and wanted to go and sit on the couch.  Within an hour or so, she was curled up and crying because her ear hurt.  My poor baby...sick on her birthday!  We gave her some Motrin and some ear-numbing drops and finally she fell into a very restless sleep.  On Saturday morning, she woke up feeling a lot better.  I started to think maybe she'd just gotten water in her ears and that she didn't have an infection (I'm nothing if not hopeful!).  Steve headed to work and I went ahead and took the girls down the my grandparents and went to my scheduled photo session.  Steve thought I should go ahead and get Gracie an appointment just in case her ear was infected, so I called the pediatrician as soon as they opened to try and get her in.  Their appointment times are limited on Saturday and there was no way that I could get all the way down there at the time they needed me.  Their suggestion was to take Gracie to the Emergicare clinic if we felt like she needed to be seen before Monday.  Lovely, just lovely.  Have I mentioned that we don't have health insurance right now?  We're in the middle of a 90 day waiting period before the insurance at Steve's new job kicks in and the cost of COBRA from his last employer would have cost more than the car payment, the van payment, and our mortgage combined.  Sheer insanity!  So, we decided that we'd just ride it out and hoped no one would get sick.  Hey, Murphy!  Are you and your law laughing at us?

So, we debated back and forth about taking her.  Okay, that's not true.  I debated back and forth.  Steve was determined that we needed to take her.  I, because I'm a sucky mom, kept trying to convince myself that she really didn't need to go.  (In the for what it's worth department, Gracie was convinced she didn't need to go).  Finally, though, reason won out (and the fact that I don't generally let my six year old make medical decisions for herself) and the girls and I loaded up and headed to Emergicare.  I was afraid Gracie was going to totally flip out.  She flips out at her regular doctor's office and she's not a big fan of change either, so I thought we were heading into the perfect storm of fit-pitching.  Of course, she was a perfect angel and did everything that the doctor and nurse asked her to.  She explained all her symptoms and also her belief that she did not have an ear infection but simply had water in her ear from her bath the night before.  Fortunately, the doctor didn't just take her word for it and actually examined her.  He discovered that her ear was fire engine red behind her ear drum, a clear indication of infection.  So, an hour later, armed with a perscription for antibiotics (free from Publix, thank you very much) we left.  All in all, I felt like we'd dodged a bullet...the doctor's appointment was fairly cheap at $95.00 and after her first dose of antibiotics Saturday afternoon,  Gracie really seemed to be feeling better.  I breathed a sigh of relief....

Saturday night Abigail started acting like she wasn't feeling well.  She was more tired than usual and just seemed really run down.  By 11:00 her temp was over 104 degrees and she threw up.  Here we go again, I thought.   Even though ear infections aren't generally contagious, my girls tend to both get them at the same time.  Abigail said her ear wasn't hurting, though.  When we asked her what hurt, she'd just point to her tummy.  On Sunday, Steve took Gracie to visit with our family in Mobile.  I sat beside Abigail on the couch and took her temperature 27,000 times.  She was pitiful.  I called the doctor who said to just alternate Tylenol and Motrin and as long as she was still take liquids and acting alert to wait and bring her on Monday morning (Abigail has a history of running high fevers, so the fever in and of itself didn't concern the doctor).    Even with both Motrin and Tylenol, her fever was staying above 102, so at 7:30 a.m. on Monday, Abigail and I were sitting in the parking lot of her pediatrician waiting for them to open the doors to walk-ins.   (Did I mention we still don't have insurance?  Murphy, are you still there?)

Within two minutes of seeing Abigail, the doctor had diagnosed her.  Not an ear infection like I thought.  Not strep like I mildy wondered if she might have.  Nope, she has PNEUMONIA!  PNEUMONIA!  They gave her a breathing treatment in the office (that was fun, let me tell you) and an antibiotic to bring home.  Finally, today, four days later, she's starting to act a little bit like herself.  Her fever is much much lower (hanging around 100 degrees) and she has a little more energy.  On Monday and Tuesday, she barely left the couch.  Her cough, which didn't really even show up until Monday morning, is still pretty ugly.  It's deep and a little bit scary when she has a coughing fit and seems like she can't catch her breath.  Watching her be this sick has been pretty draining.  Worry can sure take it out of you!

And if I didn't have enough going on this week, when I woke up Monday morning, I realized that the second hard drive in my computer was dead.  As in it went to sleep Sunday night and never work up.  The drive with all my old pictures and my photography session final pictures and all of my scrapbooking supplies.  The one that I idiotically didn't back up.  I did a lot of research and it turns out the drive has a bug in it that causes this to happen.  The good news is that the data is still on drive.  The bad news is I can't access it.  The really good news is that the company that manufactured the drive can usually fix it.  For free.  The bad news is that I had to send it back to them.  So, on Monday I had to drive around town with a sick baby and find a place that knew what I was talking about when I said I needed to find an anti-static bag to mail it back in.  (I had no luck...apparently no one here's ever heard of one.  Luckily, I found another drive in the back of my closet hanging out in one, so I was able to package up the bad one).  The really nerve-wracking news is that I don't know yet if they can fix it.  They have an on-line status page and I've been refreshing it every 1.1 milliseconds for the last three days, hoping for some news.  It just keeps saying it's in the evaluation phase.  I have my fingers crossed that it is salvagable and that in a few days I'll have it back in my PC, where it will be backed up to multiple locations immediately. 

So, the picture at the top is Abigail on Tuesday.  She was sobbing because she couldn't write her A's correctly.  A sure sign that she's sick...she's rarely so melodramatic about things (she leaves that to her older sister).  We're trying to keep her from crying or getting upset because that makes her coughing so much worse!    I'll leave you with a picture of her from earlier in the month when she felt a whole lot better and a whole lot happier!   I love this picture....it just makes me happy!

I don't like to be in the middle of things...really, I don't.  I'm much happier being firmly on one side or the other.  Lately, though, I find my heart smack dab in the middle of two conflicting emotions.  Have you heard of the Sandwich Generation?  Well, for the last several months, I've pretty much been the bolonga on the sandwich, hanging out with tomato, the lettuce and the tomato between the bread that is my parents and my babies.  Before my father died, he was here in Pensacola for two months.  My mother stayed with my grandparents and I tried to help as best I could with meals and transportation.  Sometimes, sheduling was difficult between trying to be there for appointments with my dad and picking up Gracie for school or watching Abigail's preschool programs or getting both of them to ballet (and don't forget tyring to schedule photo sessions).  But, honestly, I think we all handled it fairly well...I guess as well as could be expected.  It was a very difficult time, but I don't think there was ever a time during that month that I really felt like I had to choose between what my parents needed and what my girls needed.

Since my father died, though, I've felt a lot more, well.....sandwiched.  My father died on Wednesday, December 30th.  That Friday, my sister and her family drove my mother back to Louisiana.  They left, headed back to their home in Tennessee, late Saturday afternoon.  Everything seemed okay....my mom was doing all right, glad to be back home in her own house and to be reunited with her dogs. 

By Monday night, my mother was in the ICU with double pneumonia.  I have never felt so conflicted in my life.  The 200 miles between my house and my mother's felt like the distance between the sun and the former planet Pluto.  I felt like I needed to go and be with my mother, but I needed to be here, too.  There's one disadvantage to being a stay-at-home mama at times like these...I don't really have anything to do with the girls when I need to leave.  If I was working, we could take advantage of extended day-care hours and Steve would have been able to handle getting them where they need to be.  Of course, if I was working, then I'd have to worry about taking off from work.  So really, there's no winning in that type of situation.  If Gracie were still in preschool, I would have just taken them both with me.  But, kindergarten is not preschool as I've learned the hard way.  She is already on probation for truancy (yeah, that's right, my KINDERGARTENER is a truant...I promise I'll share the details of that story in a later post )  so I have to be really (really, really, really) careful about why she misses school.  So, my heart was split, right down the middle....I couldn't leave my responsibilities here, but I felt like I needed to be with my mother.  Luckily, she was doing fine in the hospital and told both my sister (who's suffering from the same bologna-sandwich syndrome) and I that she was fine and we didn't need to come.

After more than two weeks in the hospital, my mother was finally released last week and I was worried about her being at home alone and still being so weak from the pneumonia.  Luckily, my aunt flew down to stay with her.  I've slept a lot better knowing that some who loves her is with her.

So, yeah, I'm part of sandwich, but I'm very thankful that I am.  I mean really, what would a piece of bologna be without the bread?  And luckily, my sandiwch comes with a lot of sides like soda and chips and potato salad in the form of my friends and my church and my husband and my sister and my brother and extended family that help make my sandwich feel not so lonely.  So, my plate is fulll...in more ways than one



And, a note from me:  I've struggled the last few weeks with how to continue writing my blog.  It seemed somewhat disrespectful to jump right from writing about my father's illness and death to the antics and craziness of my girls and my life.  I searched for a way to seque back into the normal state of this blog, but I just don't think there's a graceful way to do it. So, I'm  just going to do it.  I love my father very much and I miss him, probably more than I ever expected.  But, I think he, more than just about anyone, would appreciate me continuing to write and finding the humor in the world around me. 

One of the many things my father instilled in me was a deep and abiding love of Emily Dickinson poetry.  For that I am thankful...in her words I often find solace that I can't find elsewhere.  And, on more than one occasion, I've used Emily Dickinson poems to convey to my daddy things that were to hard to say in a simple conversation.  When I got married, I gave him a picture frame that was inscribed with the phrase "I'm nobody, who are you?"  Language that probably seems odd on a father/daughter gift, but I know spoke volumes to my father when he opened it.  When I searched for a title for this post, the opening line of "I could not stop for death" instantly came to mind...it seems so appropriate.

My father died this morning, just before sunrise.  How like him to wake up early and go.  He was always an early to bed, early to rise kind of man.  I feel peace this morning mixed with waves of sorrow, much like the Gulf of Mexico early in the morning.  I am unbelievbly thankful for the time I had to spend with him over the last few months, both the good times and the bad.  I am thankful for the gifts he gave me...the ones I'll carry with me the rest of my life.  I have stories and stories swirling in my head that need to find their way to paper sometime, but now I'll just say this.  Today, Heaven gained a beautiful mind, a rapier wit, and a wicked sense of humor (and yes, he gave that to me, too).  I miss him.

It's December 17th and I have done almost nothing to prepare for Christmas....no tree is up, Christmas cards are non-existent, and I've done very, very little shopping.  Luckily, Santa is taking care of Gracie & Abigail...thank goodness for that jolly old man.  I know that there are tons of people out there who don't even begin shopping, wrapping, baking or decorating until the week before Christmas.  At least I think there are people like that...I've heard about them, but I've yet to meet any one who actually does it.  I could say that I'm one of those people and shrug off my procrastination as some kind of planned exercise.  "Nope!  I have done anything yet - it's on purpose!  I like all the stress  excitement of waiting until the last minute!"  I've been ridiculously busy with work for the last six weeks...I had seven photo sessions the week of Thanksgiving.  SEVEN!  I am thrilled that people actually want me to take their Christmas pictures.  And, oh yeah, on top of that, I did the fall preschool pictures the week before Thanksgiving....so that would be 60 mini-sessions the week before Thanksgiving.  Ummm, yeah, I'd say I was a bit busy.  So, I could say that my work is the reason for my lack of Christmas progress.  But, that wouldn't be true either.   Well, at least not completely...I'm sure that my work schedule and my normal state of procrastination are contributing at least partly, but the main reason is this....

My father is dying.  It pains me more than I can say to type those words...but honestly, watching the cursor flash as I type each letter doesn't change it or make it any more or less hurtful, because nothing is going to change it.  On Monday, my mother signed the paperwork to put daddy on hospice.  And, really, I don't think I've ever had more of a love/hate relationship with anything in my life like the one I have with hospice.  Simply put, the people are amazing.  They are compassionate and kind and every other syrupy word that you've heard about them.   But the whole concept of hospice...I'm not too fond of it.  It's gut-wrenching and let me tell you, my gut is usually not a wrencher.  Remember, I'm the mom of a preschooler and a kindergartner - my stomach is made of steel. 

When I last blogged, we were moving my dad here to Pensacola for some physical therapy.  The plan was he would have a few weeks of pretty intense therapy and then hopefully return home to Louisiana to live...maybe not an active life, but the hope was he would regain some of his strength so he could at least do basic things like walk from his chair to his bed and read and surf the internet.  And the big hope was that he would improve enough to be eligible and strong enough for a liver transplant.  Well, the first week he was here, he made progress...not a whole lot but enough that we were hopeful.  But, it was apparent that it was going to take longer than a couple of weeks.  His physical therapist told me it would be at least a month (and I could tell from her tone that she was being generous when she said that).  By the next week, Daddy was getting weaker and weaker.  Therapy became difficult, if not impossible for him.  We met with the doctor at the nursing home.  He is a soft-spoken man, but he doesn't mince words.  He told my mother and me that Daddy would be beating the odds if he survived a year.  My mom choked out, "He told me today that he doesn't want to live like this."  And the doctor nodded and said that he would imagine that he, too, would come to that conclusion if it was him.  And, I looked at the doctor and realized that he is probably about my daddy's age.  And it struck me that all this time when we thought dad was doing great, he wasn't -  he was simply getting better.  This doctor standing in front of me was the picture of health for a man in his sixties.  My dad didn't look anything like a healthy 66 year old man.  That was eye-opening for me. 

The next week, my dad's sodium level plummeted and he was sent from the nursing home to the hospital.  There, they got his sodium back up and stabilized his platelet count.  Back he went to the nursing home.  To everyone's surprise, well maybe not everyone's, but at least mine, Dad had lost very little strength during his hospital stay.  He jumped right back into therapy and felt strong enough to check out of the home to spend Thanksgiving Day with us.  But, the next week, he started get weaker and weaker.  The cycle was starting over.  By that Friday, he was back in the hospital with low sodium and even lower platelets.  He stayed for a week this time and last Saturday afternoon was released to the nursing home.  Saturday evening the nursing home sent him back to the hospital.  The hospital checked his bloodwork in the emergency room and sent him back to the home again.  Yep, three ambulance rides in one day.  My dad chuckled about that.  This time was different though...the hospital released him to palliative care, meaning they recommended nothing more than comfort measures...no more aggressive treatment.

So, Monday morning my mom, Steve, my sister via conference call, and I had the meeting with hospice.  They answered all of our questions and told us we didn't need to make a decision that day, but I could tell that they felt the sooner we made the decision the better.  My mom planned to talk to my brother and my sister and me and make a decision by the end of this week or the beginning of next week.

On Monday afternoon at 3:55 p.m., it was cold and raining.  I was driving toward the bank to make a deposit.  Gracie and her friend were in the far back seat of the van (after the bank, I was headed to drop off Gracie's friend after a play date...one that involved putting on every dress up outfit we own...those girls sure know how to have fun).  Abigail was buckled into her car seat, wearing nothing but her panties.  Yeah, I know, I know...but sometimes that girl just wears me out.  The phone rang.  It was my mom.  There was trouble with my dad's bloodwork and he had fever and chills.  The nursing home wanted to send him to the hospital.  My mother didn't know what to do.  I told her to ask them if they'd send him to the hospital for this if he was on hospice.  No was the response.  Then, I had her ask them if they were legally required to send him to the hospital since he wasn't on hospice.  Yes was the response, but they could call hospice right then and mom could sign the papers.  My mom asked, "What do I do?"  And everything in me cried out, "Send him to the hospital...do everything you can to make him better!"  But I stopped and looked up.  I remembered that the emergency room at the hospital was freezing and that daddy said the ride over in the ambulance was cold if there weren't enough blankets. That would be miserable for him if has already shaking.  And the answer came, falling like the cold rain, from above.  "Tell them, " I said with a voice that I know was choking, "tell them to call hospice and have them bring the paperwork."   And I was never more thankful to have God in my life than I was at that moment.  Because, the decision wasn't mine...it was His.

On Monday evening, my daddy looked bad.  He was incoherent and shaking from the chills caused by the fever.  I couldn't believe that just a few hours earlier, we'd been talking about Joe Patti's (a local seafood shop) and different recipes and restaurants.  I called my brother and sister and told them that they might want to come soon.  My sister is here...she arrived yesterday afternoon and spent hours visiting with my daddy.  Right now, she's tucked into the bed with Abigail.  She is salve for my hurting spirit and I imagine for Abigail's too.  I have not been the kindest Mommy of late and nothing makes Abigail smile like my sister.    My brother is trying to arrange his work schedule so he can come sooner rather than later. 

Right now, my dad is stable.  He's eating and was able to talk a bit coherently yesterday.  But, they're giving him morphine to help with his systemic pain and I know without aggressive treatment, his body can't function long without a liver.  And that makes me sad beyond words, but I'm thankful that our family decided to give him comfort in his final days.  Sometimes, going down fighting is just not the way to go.....

Now, you know my big long story that explains why I haven't started Christmas cards or cookies and why our tree isn't up.  I imagine that I will get to those things next week.  I have to....I have two little girls who need to know the magic that is Christmas and I need to do it for myself.  If Daddy is stable enough on Saturday, Steve & I have a very special treat planned for the girls.  It will require spending the night a few hours away from home, but if there's any way we can do it, we are going to.  Some people might say this is a terrible time our family to be going through this.  I think there couldn't be a better time...Christmas is one of the holiest times of the year and the whole reason behind the holiday is the one that makes it possible for me to even imagine saying goodbye to my daddy...

I have no idea what time it is.  Absolutely no idea.  When I went to bed last night, the clock said 10:30 p.m.  I set my alarm for 4:00 a.m. (actually, I set both the alarms on my clock for 4:00 a.m. - I have this totally cool alarm clock with dual alarms so it can wake two people up at two different times...the only problem is, I can't ever figure out which button goes with which alarm time, so I have to set them both.  So, what seems to be a cool gadget is actually a pain in the neck that causes me twice as much work as a plain old alarm clock would.  And, no, to answer your question, I have no idea how to program my VCR)  Anyway, I figured that was plenty of sleep and when the alarm went off at 4:00 a.m., it would really be 3:00 a.m. since the time turned back sometime between when I went to sleep and when I woke up.   That extra hour would give me the time I needed to finish up some work and do some dishes before we head out of town this morning.  Somehow, though, I didn't let Steve in on this plan.  I have a vague memory of him sitting on the bed sometime during the night and changing the time on the clock.   And evidently, when you change the time on the clock while the alarms are set it voids the alarms, so neither of the two alarms that I set went off.  So, I woke up at 5:00 a.m. today's time, which was 6:00 a.m. yesterday's time, so instead of gaining an hour of work, I lost two.  At least I think that's what happened.  I'm so confused right now, even though my little computer clock on the corner says 5:30 a.m. and I know that Windows is smarter than I am and updated itself for the end of Daylight Savings Time.  It will take me about a week to figure out what time it is when.   Really?  Who am I kidding?  It will probably take me until about the beginning of March to figure out what time it is and then it will be time to change it again.

And honestly, I feel like I've not only lost two hours this morning, but that I've lost much of the month of October.  My favorite month of the year is still my favorite month of the year, but this October was a really difficult one.  On the 11th, my dad was put in the hospital.  It has been a roller coaster of a ride...full of crazy loops, and frightening vertigo-inducing drops.  And more than three weeks and two hospital changes later, he's still admitted.  The girls and I have made two trips to Louisiana, once to my parents house to see him in the first hospital and once to downtown New Orleans (and, ummm, yeah, that was an adventure that needs a post all its own...trust me when I tell you that Abigail in downtown New Orleans is a sight that needs to be beheld) to see him at Tulane hospital.  All four of us are headed back to New Orleans later this morning to help transfer him here to Pensacola for some Physical Therapy Rehab.  

I am exhausted in a way that I haven't been in a lot of years.  Worry is draining (it's also a useless process..one of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.").  But, I'm also exhausted in a good sort of way.  Despite the trips to New Orleans and the worry about my dad and my mom and a little bit of worry about Steve changing jobs again (yes, again!  this will be his third job change since April, but I think one is the best move so far!), we've done some amazingly fun things this month.  We've had a handful of playdates with friends, we got to see my sister twice in a month (and Emmie once...and next weekend we'll get to see Ruby & Emmie), we've been to a  pumpkin patch and a corn maze, trunk or treating and trick or treating, a Halloween party with friends, and somehow, even with missing four days of school this month, Gracie is still doing fantastic in Kindergarten.  As I look back on October, it was full of hardship for sure, but the blessings outweigh the hardships, without a doubt.  I hope to catch up on blogging here in the next couple of weeks so I can remember some of the joys we had last month, but right now I need to go catch up on some of the two hours that  I lost this morning!

Here's a collage of pictures of the girls in the dresses I made them for their Halloween parties at school (Yep!  I carved out a little time to sew and got these dresses and their costumes made).  Abigail picked out the fabric (she said she wanted an Itsy Bitsy Spider dress) and the pattern is Caroline from Frog Legs and Ponytails (the same pattern I used for these dresses)



Oh, and guess what?  My alarm clock just went off...go figure!

On Saturday, I should have spent the day cleaning the house....it's sheer chaos around here today...the laundry for the week isn't done...Abigial has created a complete disaster in the living room and both bedrooms.  On Saturday, I could have spent the day working on a coding project with an impending deadline.  Today, I am stressed about it, although not as much as I thought I would be, since, knock on wood, the project it coming together very smoothly.  I should have and could have done a lot of things, but I didn't.   What I did do, instead, was hang out and play with my girls.  And we had a much better day than any we've had in several weeks.  When will I ever learn that if I actually spend my days engaged with the girls that they listen better and behave better and tend to not destroy things?  I can't answer that question, because today is back to the insanity that is our life.  But, at least we have Saturday

I did combine a little bit of work with our play.  I had a photo session scheduled for this morning (that we had to reschedule because of rain) at the fort.  I needed to check out how my external flash did with the light, since I've never used it inside of the fort, and I needed to get exact driving directions, so the girls and I headed out there fairly early Saturday morning.  They had no idea I was doing any type of "work", so they were thrilled with the adventure!







Then, we headed to the farmer's market downtown. It was the first week of the fall/winter market, so it was really, really small...only a few booths, but the girls had a great time. We picked up a pumpkin and some cake to go with our picnic lunch. Then, we headed to Steve's office and had lunch with him. He's working almost every Saturday now and I think the girls are missing him a little bit, so it was good for all of us to have lunch together! Then, the girls and I headed home and worked on our Halloween craft for the day....a baby mummie pumpkin. They had so much fun doing this (I got the idea from Family Fun).

















Abigail got such a kick out of the pacifier. She kept pulling it out of the pumpkin's mouth and putting it back in, saying, "Oh, poor little baby...do you need your pacie? Awww, don't cry little baby pumpkin!" And a few times, I caught her cuddling it like a real baby. That girl makes me laugh.  Once we finished that, I made supper.  We had spooky monster burgers and wormy potatoes....the potatoes were just my daddy's fried potatoes with some purple onion thrown in while I cooked the potatoes...as the purple onions cooked, they got brown and wormy looking.  I thought the dinner was cute, and really yummy, but I'll be completely honest...I don't think the girls were too impressed.  Oh well!  And, the batteries on my flash went out and it was pretty late by the time I finished cooking, so the pictures didn't turn out too well at all.  Maybe I'll recreate them for lunch later in the month and snap a better picture!  I really enjoyed Saturday, and when I started to feel guilty today about all that I didn't accomplish, I reminded myself that the girls & I had fun, and sometimes, that's all that really matters!

Normally, I don't like to wish my life away...I don't spend too much time hoping that tomorrow will get here.  But, I was glad to close the door on September.  I have a whole big long post swirling around in my brain that I want to put down on virtual paper, but I'm not sure it will ever see the light of day, because, honestly, while in my brain the post sounds decent, I'm afraid when I see it in black and white it will sound nothing but whiny.  And I don't want to whine because in the grand scheme of things I have nothing to whine about.  So, for the sake of getting on with my life, let's just say that September was a really, really difficult month for no really big reason, just a lot of little reasons all piled up on top of each other, threatening to tumble down and crush my spirit.  Luckily, September was filled with many blessings, too, so I'm sure in retrospect, I'll be able to look back with fond memories on September, 2009.

With all that said, I am so glad to see October.  Generally, I love all the months of the year.  I drive Steve crazy because every time a new season rolls around I say, "Oh, this is my favorite season!  I love....(insert spring, summer, winter, fall here)!"  He always replies, "Didn't you just say that about (insert spring, summer, winter, fall here)?"  But, it's true...I love the beginning and the middle of all the seasons....I'm not so fond of the tail-end of the seasons...I think because I'm looking forward to the beginning of the next one (didn't I just say that I don't like to wish my life away....really, I don't...I still enjoy the end of the seasons, I just look happily forward to the next one).  But, October?  Well, October is my favorite month of the entire year.  I love it more than March, even though my birthday is in March and when I was a child, March meant the month that the daffidols would start to peek up from the ground, sometimes through the snow.  I love it even more than December, because as much as I love Christmas (and I love Christmas), December sometimes feels a bit bleak to me.  I love it more than May when summer really starts here in Florida and it's time for my babies to be home with me again.  As much as I love the other months of the year, October wins my heart hands down.

I wish I could explain why, but I can't....it's been this way since I was a child.  Always!  I know that part of it is Halloween.  I love Halloween....I loved trick or treating when I was a kid, I still love it now!  But, it's more than that....it's the way the air feels different in October.  I love the sights and the sounds and the smells that fall brings (even though we don't have much of a fall here...it's definitely enough of a change that you notice).  And,  of course, for the last seven years, October has been special because it's our anniversary.  Does it surprise you that I chose October for our wedding?  Well, it shouldn't   When I was a girl, I planned a Halloween wedding complete with orange bridesmaid dresses and flowers in pumpkins.  While I changed to a more traditional feel for my actual wedding, I kept the season! 

So, this year, I decided to celebrate my favorite month with two of my favorite little girls.  I'm trying to do something each day with the Gracie and Abigail to enjoy the season.  And somehow, the marketing gurus of the world are on board with me.  Halloween and fall stuff is everywhere!  And by everywhere, I mean everywhere.  I swear the Halloween section at Target is as big as the Christmas section is in December.  I'm sure that some people are not happy about this, and I probably shoudn't be, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't tickle me to walk through the aises and see gummy eyeball ice cube molds and orange & black sprinkled Quaker Oat bars.  So, I picked up a couple of October-inspired magazines, full of crafts and fun food ideas and went to town scheduling all kinds of cool stuff for the girls and I to do.   I think Abigail is as excited as me....she is a lover of all things spooky and creepy and well, that girl just enjoys life.  Gracie, I'm not so sure about.  When I asked her last night if she was excited about going to the farmer's market today to check out their fall fruits and vegetables, she sighed deeply and said, "I think I just need to stay home and rest!"  Okay, then!

So, on the first day of October, the girls found these little guys waiting for them on the couch:




They each came with a card introducing themselves to the girls


 
This is Little Mummy - he likes spooky stuff and peanut butter and Abigail has lugged him with her everywhere....it was quite funny at the park yesterday when it was time to leave...she was running around going, "I need to get Little Mummy!  I need my Little Mummy!"  Since her enunciation still needs some work, it sounds very much like "I need my Little Mommy!"


And this one on the right is Pumpkin, Gracie's friend.  He likes candy and trick or treating.   





















Pumpkin has already had a grand adventure.....here he is making his first big trip....to school for show and tell.


We have so many fun things planned this month:  a trip to the Corn MaiZE, Trunk or Treating at our church, Halloween at the aviation musuem, fall parties at school, my new mom's Bible study, and in the middle of all of that, I have four photo sessions scheduled for the month (one of which will be my very first wedding!  ).  So, I'm not sure how much blogging I'll be able to do, but I'm going to try and post at least periodically about our crafts and treats....if for nothing else than to remember them for next year


Happy October!

We're all a little out of sorts around here this morning.....we went to watch Steve play softball last night and the girls were up past their bedtime, so everyone's a little grumpy because of lack of sleep.  I overslept this morning, it's raining, Gracie cried and pouted because the jeans I picked out for her are "really, really itchy!".  So, it was somewhat amazing that the three of us were actually in the van, headed to school on time.  Gracie seems to be adjusting fairly well to kindergarten.  She still wants me to walk her into class every morning, though.  Every morning, I ask her if she's sure she wants me to walk her in or if she wants to go through the car line and walk in by herself.  This morning, here's the way the conversation went.

Me:  "Gracie, are you sure you don't want to go in car line this morning?" 

Gracie, shaking her head:  "No, Mama!  I want you to walk me in......I don't like car line."

Abigail, looking slightly perplexed, throwing her arms up in the air and shaking her head:  "Gwacie!  Yesh you do like car line.  You love car line!  Wemember, it makes you laugh and there's a cat!"

Me, looking very, very perplexed:  "Huh?"

Abigail, emphatic now:  "Gwacie loves car line!  Wemember,  it's soooo funny and there's a cat!"

Me, finally understanding:  "Abigail, we're not talking about CORALINE, the movie....we're talking about CAR LINE!

Abigail, laughing:  "Oh!   Hey Gwacie, wemember CAR LINE the movie...it was so funny and there was a cat!"

The day didn't seem as stressful after that

Here's Little Miss Malprop at Steve's game last night...

I miss scrapping so much...I just haven't had the time lately to scrap anything.  I'm going to try and get back to scrapping our memories, but in the meantime, I've decided to start doing some simple pages with our recipes.  Eventually, I'd like to put together a recipe album for the girls of all my favorite recipes when they were little. 

We had Strawberry Salsa at Abigail's birthday party and a couple of people asked for the recipe, so I thought this would be a good one to start with!

So, here's the recipe:

I tasted this salsa for the first time when my friend Lynn made it for her daughter's birthday and then had it again at a playdate at my friend Lori's.  It was so yummy...I had to get the recipe.  I've made it several times since then and it's always a hit!

I totally scraplifted this page from Heather Ann - check out her site....I love so many things that she does...she's my creative hero . 




the bracket if from a template by Janet Phillips (no longer available).  Light green paper Kristin Cronin-Barrow, SSD, Cherry Sweet; Brown Paper- Kim Christensen,  Rainbow Room; dark green paper - Jaque Larsen, TLP, May BYOC papers;

For months, and I mean months, Abigail has been planning her 3-year-old birthday party.  If you think it's odd that a 2-year-old plans out all the details of her party, well, I guess you're probably right, but Abigail is just that kind of kid.  Last spring, she came to me and told me that she wanted a "flip flop" party.  Which is not that surprising since Abigail has had a shoe obsession almost since birth.   Right around her first birthday, she developed a deep love of crocs and over the past two years, that love has moved to a deep and abiding devotion for flip flops.  I think the girl's motto is:  If you can't wear flip flops some place, that place isn't worth going.  (It's a huge thorn in her side that she's not allowed to wear flip flops to preschool, but she suffers through it because if there's one thing she loves more than flip flops, it's school).  So, this summer, I went looking for flip flop party stuff.  Because, let's be honest here, flip flop party supplies aren't just hanging out in your local Wal-Mart between the Cars, Transformers, Barbie, and Disney Princess stuff.  Luckily, though, while flip flops are a bit unusual of a party theme for a 3-year-old, they are evidently a theme for at least some parties.  So, I was able to find plates and napkins and a tablecloth on-line.  And, in July, I happened upon a video on how to make a flip flop cake.  Eureka!  Abigail and I were both beyond excited.  The only thing she asked for her party other than a "flip flop cake" and "flip flop plates" was a "bouncy thingy".  We were all set for a wonderful, outside birthday party.  The yard looks great, we have plenty of outside furniture.  What could possibly go wrong?

Now, let me let you in on a little secret.  I get really nervous throwing parties at my house....really nervous.  It all stems back to an incident that happened many years ago.  I was dating a guy who, well, we'll just say wasn't always the nicest guy.  It was his birthday and I planned a surprise party for him.  I ordered a cake, invited his friends and family, and made up several dishes to serve for snacks.  The morning of the party, he found out about it.  And made me cancel it.  Cancel it because he was "ashamed" to have his friends and family see my house - it was too small and too messy.  So, I called everyone up and told them the party was off and I can still remember how embarassed I felt when I had to call and cancel the cake order.  Let's face it....the guy had serious issues.  I'm just beyond thankful that I ended up married to a man like Steve.  And, well, for the most part, I don't even think about what a not-so-nice-guy the other guy was.  At least until it comes to parties.  Now, that's not to say that I haven't had parties at my house since the days of the not-so-nice-guy.  Oh boy have I had parties....there was the Snowman Buffet Party I had one Christmas, Gracie's first birthday party, the luncheon we had after her dedication, and the Halloween Party that I had in 2000 with 30 kids and easily that many adults is now legendary.  Yes, I definitely have parties, but I tend to get nervous about them before they happen....really nervous....

So, a couple of weeks ago, I sent out invitations to Abigail's many friends and was tickled as more and more "We'll be there on Saturday!" emails filled my inbox.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself, too.  I was more prepared than I usually am for a party.   I'd ordered the bouncy thingy and the plates were here (thanks, Mom!) and the cake looked, on the video at least, to be fairly simple.  I thought I'd pretty much planned for everything.  Well, except for getting sick early in week before the party, but I even managed that fairly well.

My sister, brother-in-law, and Ruby and Emmie came down on Friday and they helped me SO MUCH!  By Friday night, I was feeling really confident that we would be able to pull this party off.  The cakes were baked, ready to decorate.  The strawberry salsa was finished and Abigail's dress and hat were made.  Apparently, the thing I forgot to plan on was a MONSOON!

I woke up early Saturday to the sound of steady rain.  Honestly, I just thought it would blow through.  I decorated the flip flop cake and was really pleased with how it turned out.  It kept raining.  Steve ran out to pick up a few last minutes things at Wal-Mart.  It kept raining.  A little bit of worry started to creep in.  I made a tablecloth for the girls' little table (why?  I don't know...there were a million things to do and I sat down to sew....I never was really good at staying on task....).  It kept raining.  My sister helped me clean the kitchen.  It kept raining.  By about 10:00 a.m., I was starting to panic.  When Steve got home from Wal-Mart, I asked him:  "What are we going to do?"  And Steve looked at me, very calmy, smiled and said, "We're gonna have Abigail's party!"  I asked him what we'd do if it kept raining, "We'll have it inside!"  As reassuring as he was, I was still paniked.  Our house is small, a little more than 1000 square feet,  and 45 people including kids and their parents had RSVPed to the party.  You do the math...that's not a lot of space per person

The girls and I left about 10:30 to go to one of their friends' princess party.  They had a wonderful, wonderful time!  It was a great party and I relaxed a little, but found myself looking out the window, watching the rain continue to come down in buckets.  Dread was starting to fill my heart.  How were we going to pull this off?  And, I was starting to realize that the odds were not looking good for the bouncy thing to come.  I mean, you can't put a bouncy thing up in a deluge, can you?

We drove home from the party in the rain.  When we got home, I started to mull over an idea that my sister had mentioned earlier in the morning, back when I was in denial about the fact that it was apparently going to rain ALL DAY!!!  She had suggested going to get one of those camping canopy things and pitching it in the backyard for people to stand under.  She, in her wonderful generous style, even said, nonchalantly, "we've been planning on getting one for camping anyway, so we'd be glad to do it."  And, in the morning when she suggested it, I told her that no, I appreciated it but I didn't want them to do that and besides, Steve would never go for putting one of those up.  God, please forgive me for constantly underestimating the wonderful man that I married.  Because, by 1:00 p.m., I was desperate....and I asked my sister if they would really mind buying one of those camping canopy things and she said of course they didn't mind.  And I called Steve into the kitchen to ask him what he thought and I didn't even get the question out of my mouth before he said, "You want me to go get one of thoe camping canopy things and put it up on the porch?"  And I nodded with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.    So Steve and my brother-in-law Craig went back to Wal-Mart and each bought a camping canopy thingy.  And, as they walked out the door, the phone rang.  It was the bouncy thing place.  I knew what they were going to say...you can't put a bouncy thing up in the rain....so I answered the phone, feeling really sad.  "Is this Daphne?" the man said.  When I told him it was, he said, "Do you still want the Princess Bounce House?  Even though it's raining?"  When I emphatically told him that we did still wanted, he said, "Okay, I'm on my way!"  And I could have jumped for joy!    And still, the rain came down.  Gracie came into the kitchen and grabbed Ruby and Emmie and said, "Hey!  Let's go pray that the rain stops!"

So, within an hour, we had two beautiful camping canopy things pitched on our back patio.  When Abigail walked out and saw them, she was giddy!  "They're so beautiful!  They're beautiful Daddy!  They're beautiful Uncle Craig!"  And then a few minutes later, she sat under the canopy in her little chair beside her sister and her cousins and screamed with glee as the man blew up the Princess Bounce House.  And suddenly, it didn't matter that it was raining or even that it was pouring.  My baby girl was thrilled with her party.

About ten minutes before the party officially started, the rain let up (I really wish I'd heard that prayer from Abigail's big sister and big sister cousins - it must have been extremely heartfelt ).  And it stopped for a good 45 minutes of jumping time for the kids.  But, even when it started raining again, the adults were all dry under the camping canopy things and the kids were thrilled to be playing in the rain.  We even managed to have cake and ice cream outside.  We did have to move inside for present opening and let me tell you, it was pretty cramped .  But, all in all, it was a wonderful party.  Abigail had a perfect day....she was so excited she could barely contain herself!  So, thank you to everyone who braved the weather and came! 

And to my sister and brother-in-law, thank you, thank you, thank you, for everything you did to make my baby's party a success.  And, Steve (if you're reading this), I love you with all my heart....thanks for putting up with my crazy party ideas!

Because it was so rainy and so crazy and so much fun, I didn't take a lot of pictures.  But here are the ones I did snap!

The cake...it was really fun to make...I used this video but instead of using fruit roll-ups for the straps, I used ribbon like I saw on this wonderful blog



My girl was thrilled with her party.  She had so much fun and didn't mind the rain at all...


The famous bouncy thing!




Abigail's cousins, Miley and Michaela made it in from Georgia for the party.  Can I tell you a secret?  I think I took about 25 pictures on the day of the party and more than 15 of them are of Michaela!  Can you blame me, though - look at this cuteness!

The girls had their first day of ballet for the year....and of course, I waited until the last minute to get them their leotards and tights.  So, Abigail and I were sitting in front of Target this morning, waiting for them to open.  Abigail picked black for her leotard and skirt...why, I don't know...there were bright pink ones, and royal blue ones, and of course, baby pink ones, but Abigail wanted black, and honestly, for the most part, what Abigail wants, Abigail gets....at least within reason, because, honestly, it's just too hard to argue with the girl.

Here's my baby girl walking in....she is so excited about ballet this year....



Abigail takes lessons first and I sit in the hall with Gracie....of course they couldn't be in the same class, that would be waaaaaay too easy!    Gracie pranced around in the halls - she seems to remember a lot of her moves from last year.  Here's her plie - I'm not sure if this is a demi or a gran, but it's some kind of plie!  (And don't ask me about her facial expression....I'm not sure, but I think that's her look of concentration...)




And here's an arabesque


and a just because picture



I sneaked a peek through the window and snapped this shot of Abigail in class...(yes, she looks like a mutant giant beside the tiny ballerina next to her....let's just say that there is a big difference between a just turned 2-year-old and an almost 3-year-old )



They both seemed to really enjoy their classes, so I guess we'll be spending every Thursday afternoon hanging out in the halls of our Community Center!

So, Gracie made it through four whole days of school before she had to be out sick....yeah, we're getting off to a great start, here, aren't we?  On Thursday night, she had her final swimming lesson of the year.  As we walked out to the pool, her teacher, Heather, took one look at her and said, "Daphne, what's that on Gracie's face?"  You mean that big circular blotch of red skin?

"Oh, we think it's her ezcema acting up." 

"Ummm, Daphne, "  Heather said very slowly, like she was talking to a dunce, which she was.  "That looks like ringworm..."

I wasn't really convinced, mostly because I was in denial.  But when we got home that night, I checked Gracie over and she had another, smaller spot on the edge of her ear.  So, I lugged the girls into the doctor's office first thing the next morning.  And sure enough, Gracie had managed to make it less than a week at public school before she ended up with a communicable disease!  Gracie wasn't too worried about the ringworm....now, the flu shot she had to get while she was at the doctor's office....well, that was a categoric disaster...it was actually bad enough that the nurse practioner said to me, "Well, maybe we won't get any doses of the swine flu shots in and you won't have to worry about giving it to the girls."  Yes, it was that bad....Gracie was screaming so loudly that I swear I could see past her tonsils.

So, we spent the weekend hanging out, avoiding people, and applying antifungal cream.    I took a picture of Gracie's face, but she asked me not to show it to anyone, so I'm not going to post it.

On Monday, she actually had her first "homework" - really it was just make up work for the day she missed from school.  It was fun to sit down at her little table and do work with her.  We do worksheets quite often, but this was the first time it was "official" school work

I love crayon/colored pencil pictures....I never get them to turn out exactly like I want though...I'll have to keep practicing



Here's her actual work



Gracie has a definite little-kid fixation on all things Chinese.  This is due, at least in part to Ni Hao, Kai Lan, the show on Nick Jr.  Which I don't quite understand because she doesn't really watch Nick Jr.   I think she's only seen the show twice, but it's made quite an impression on her.  Anyway, she's been asking for several weeks if we could make Chinese noodles for dinner one night.  I told her that we could certainly make something!  Well, I originally thought about making something stir-fried, but the odds of Gracie actually eating something like that are slim to none.  So, we cooked a completely Americanized Chinese dinner.  I cooked up a little flank steak in a pan, cooked some Raemen noodles, added a couple of eggs while the noodles were boiling, and then added the steak.  We also made some wontons.  Not exactly authentic Chinese food, but Gracie (and Abigail, too) were thrilled.  I bought some chopsticks at the Memphis zoo in June and we used them for the first time with our "Chinese Noodles". 


I guess, overall, the first couple of weeks of school have gone fairly well.  We're still adjusting to the new schedule, and I'm adjusting to Gracie being away from me for so long.  Can I tell you something?  I was secretly a little bit happy when the doctor told us she needed to stay home from school for the day

Okay, I'll be honest...I didn't think that today was going to be anywhere near as difficult emotionally as last Monday was.  I mean, starting kindergarten is a huge deal.  Starting your second year of preschool....well, not quite such a big deal.  And, to be brutally honest, I have told everyone within hearing distance, all summer long, that Abigail is driving me insanse.  And, she has.....there have been days this summer that I literally thought might head would spin around in frustration.  I have answered, on more than one occasion, when people ask if I was ready for school to start, "Well, for Gracie, no....I cry just thinking about it!  But Abigail, well, I could easily send that girl off to college and not blink an eye!"  I'm quite sure that there is more than one person out there who thinks that I'm an insenstive mother or that I somehow favor Gracie over Abigail.  If you're one of those people, I invite you to spend 24 uninterrupted hours with her.  You might change your mind...you might also run away screaming.  I love that girl....with all my heart I love that girl and it's a wild, all-encompassing kind of love that just blows my mind.  But, the child is exhausting. 

So, I'm thinking that dropping her off at preschool today is going to be a piece of cake.  Not so much.  At least not for me.  She, however, was just fine.  She walked into her classroom, waved goodbye, and got right to work, bossing the other kids around and talking non-stop to her teachers.  I walked out to the van, started it up, and realized that I was, yet again, biting back tears.  I spent the four hours she was gone piddling around with photography portfolio programs and trying to write a little bit of code.  I flipped on the TV and realized that I could watch whatever I wanted.  The thing was, there was nothing on TV that looked even slightly interesting.   The honest truth is that I miss her....she's exhausting, but the house is strangely quiet without her in it.  And, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself when I don't have to run interference all day, stopping her from putting on ALL of my makeup or taking EVERYTHING out of her closet, or dumping the ENTIRE box of 64 crayons on the floor.   

I downloaded the pictures that I took this morning and I realized that at least part of what was bothering me was that this is the first year that Abigail has headed off to school (or daycare) for that matter without Gracie.  The first day pictures just seem so strange with just her in them.  Gracie's last week didn't seem so odd to me....we have pictures of Gracie's first days without Abigail in them....Abigail wasn't born when Gracie started daycare and there was that year that Gracie went to preschool and Abigail stayed home.  But, this is a first for Abigail.  She's never been anywhere, really, without her trusted big sister.  I guess it's just another change that we all have to get used to.  Well, that I have to get used to...they both seem to be doing fine .  Next year, though, I wish they would start on the same day, so I can get all my crying out in one fell swoop.

Here's my big, little preschooler, headed off to her first day.  She loves her new backpack...it's Little Miss Chatterbox...could there ever have been a more appropriate backpack for a child...



Her famous "cheese" smile


at school ready to walk in...yes, her shoes are on the wrong feet....I tried to convince her to change them, but the girl is stubborn.  I was able to convince her before we left home to turn her shirt around, so I'll take my victories where I can get them....



With her first day flowers for her teachers


We walked home from school and she told me all about her day.  I asked her if she loved school.  Her reply?  "Yes, I loved it but not too much..."  When I asked why, she said, "Cause I weally want to go to kindragawden!"  Yikes!  They're killing me!  I took some cute pictures of her holding the snack bag I made her...when I came in I realized that there wasn't a card in the camera....I am really off my game this week

We're cruising along down the street listening to Good Morning Gorillas!  (Sister, thanks for leaving it....I promise I'll send it back as soon as Abigail can quote it verbatim which I think will be sometime next week ).  Abigail pipes up from the back seat, "Hey, Mommy!  I can touch the window!"  She is absolutely amazed by this.  For the first time in her life, she can actually reach the window of the van from her car seat.  She's also realized that she can open the van's sliding door by herself.  Let's just say I'm not too thrilled about that development.  Anyway, she's sitting back there in her carseat, smiling with absolute joy at her accomplishment.  I bit my lip to hold back the tears.  Now, I'm generally an emotional soul....I can cry at the drop of a hat.  But, usually, I'm not so prone to melancholy that I would cry over my youngest being able to touch a window.  It's not like it's a huge milestone or anything.  But, the REASON that she can touch the window is actually a big thing....a huge thing...well, not actually the reason that she can touch the window...more like the reason behind the reason behind the reason....

Our van has two captain's seats in the middle row.  The seat behind the passenger front seat moves from the side of the van to the center.  Since Abigail arrived almost three years ago, she has ridden in that seat and Gracie has been in the seat immediately behind the driver's seat.  Thus, the explanation for why Abigail has never been able to touch the window.  She's been stuck in the middle, away from things like windows and doors for 35 months!  Last weekend, we swapped the girls' places.  Now, Abigail is strapped safely into the seat behind the driver with full access to the window.  And Gracie's pretty pink high-back booster seat is buckled in place in the spot that was Abigail's.  We did this for a momentous reason.  When Gracie gets in and out of the car-line at pick up and drop-off, she will be getting in and out of the car from the passenger side.  And we felt it was easier for her to do without climbing over Abigail.  So, the reason that Abigail can touch the window is because we had to make room for my oldest baby to get in and out of the car WITHOUT ME and head into the institutional abyss that is kindergarten WITHOUT ME so she can spend six long hours (plus 40 minutes) WITHOUT ME.  And, as Abigail was chattering merrily along about her newly discovered skill, I was choking back tears because we had just left Gracie at her school for the very first time WITHOUT ME.

Yes, my baby started kindergarten on Monday.  She's doing fantastic (well, she only went for four days this week...I'll tell you about that in a later post) and pick-up in the afternoon is a relatively smooth (albeit looooooooooooong) processs.  She's not quite ready for me to drop her off in the mornings yet, so I'm still walking her into her classroom, but I'm perfectly OK with that  (actually I'm better than OK with it...it would be perfectly fine with me if she'd let me walk her into her class every day from now until she receives her doctorate, but I'll take what I can get).    It's been a bit of a wild week - we've been getting used to the new schedule and there were several other random things going on (somehow, in my infinite wisdom, I managed to have THREE work deadlines for fairly hefty projects this week and we were finishing up swimming lessons, so we had a few late nights) that made for a bit of a bumpy trip, but I think we've all come through fairly unscathed.  Gracie wants to go back next week, which I'm taking as a good sign.  I'm not so sure I want her to go back next week, but I'm thinking I don't really have a choice .

So, here are the pictures of her first day:

Getting some last minute advice from Ruby and Emmie



Loaded up in her seat, ready to go:




The last stop before we walked in (can I tell you at this point, I really had to fight the urge to scoop her up and run, as fast as I could run, to somewhere, anywhere, that there is no such thing as public school for five year olds....I suspect that Steve knew this which is why he came with me to drop-off.  Because, the man can run faster than me and I knew that if I tried to run off with her, he'd catch me and bring her back...)  And yes, I know I cut her feet off in this picture, but I learned something about myself on Monday...I'm not a particularly good photographer when I'm chocking back sobs...





And sitting at her table (I had a portrait lens on my camera, and I was close to her, so really, this picture could have been taken anywhere...you'll just have to trust me that she was sitting at her table)




Here's Gracie with her teacher...I actually took this one at her "meet the teacher" day the week before school started.  Yes, Gracie wore the same outfit both days, she said that way her teacher would remember her....





And looking back into her room, just before we left and walked away...



And then Steve, Abigail, and I walked away and Gracie started her long path to growing up and away.  Well, almost.....

Years and years ago, when Gracie was a newborn infant, we took her to church.  And left her in the nursery.  I sat in the pew and tears started pouring down my face.  She was so little and I was leaving her with strangers.  A kindly-looking, older woman turned around in the pew in front of us and looked at me and started to speak.  I thought she was going to offer words of comfort.  She said, "I was a kindergarten teacher for many years.  You're going to be one of those moms who stands at the window of the kindergarten classroom crying.  When I had parents do that, I went straight to the window and shut the blinds."  Well, thanks nice church lady...you made me feel so much better.  And I fought the urge to stick out my tongue at her.  Well, on Monday, after we left the classroom, my friend Lara and I walked back up to the window and peered in to check on our girls.  The blinds were pulled, but they are Venetian blinds and weren't all the way closed, so we could see through the cracks.  So, take that mean church lady!    Gracie's teacher spied us peering through.  She waved slightly and smiled a welcoming smile, as if she understood exactly what we were doing and was telling us it was okay.  Gracie spied us about the same time and smiled a huge, happy smile, full of a lot of excitement.  Because I know her so well, I saw just a touch of fear, but mostly, she just look thrilled to be there.  And those two smiles, one of encouragement from her teacher, and one of happiness from my baby were the only reasons I was actually able to walk away from that huge building and head back home to play with Abigail (who by the way, still has three more glorious years before she starts kindergarten...and you can bet I'll be peeking through the slats on her first day, too!)